As I look at my life and try to understand where I go from here, it seems clear that I have to change my priorities somewhat. What I want isn't going to be handed to me on some silver platter, if at all. There are sacrifices that I am going to have to make, and I can only pray that those sacrifices may aid me in finding what I truly want. If even what I want has any importance in the cosmic scheme of my life. It's become more and more evident to me that I seem to have some sort of 'white knight' aspect of my personality. Not to be a hero, but something much more Quixotic in nature. It's an instinct to be of service to my friends when needed. Especially women who are reasonably close to me. When asked, if I am at all able to help, I will do whatever I can to do so. Even if there is no real benefit to me by doing so.
In no way is this any sort of misogynistic attitude, where I feel a woman needs a man's help. Women are absolute equals to men in many ways in general, and both superior and inferior in other more specific factors generally speaking. It is just an ingrained part of me to offer help whenever I am asked by someone I care about.
I think I am actually digging myself deeper into a hole by doing this in many cases. My current financial situation is basically one step above being homeless. Health issues make it difficult to find work that allows me to be more stable and independent in my life. While it is true, that I have a relatively large number of women friends with whom I am close, I have none that want to be a part of my life in a manner that is deeper than a good friend. At least none that I am truly aware of. It wouldn't surprise me if someone were to tell me that I am wrong about this, but as I see it, I'm not.
This is why I think that I probably need to change my priorities in life. I can't rationally believe that a woman would want to be in a relationship with a man who has so little to offer her beyond emotional support. So, I think it may be time for me to just place the thought of finding a woman to share my life with on the shelf in the closet. It may mean that for the foreseeable future I continue on alone in life. Something I have experienced during a great portion of my life, and while I do not desire that to go on, I seem to be heading towards that path in life anyway if I do not make changes. The option of going back to work is something that I have seriously considered, even with my physical limitations, but have so far been unsuccessful in achieving. It is something that I am finding myself needing to focus on more and more if I hope to find what I desire in life. Humble though that desire may be.
Perhaps once I have become more stable in life, and am better able to provide for myself and a possible life partner that I can take that thought back off the shelf and take another look at it. Hopefully with better options, and possibilities. What I have experienced in the last couple of years has shown me that the time is not right, yet. If it ever will be, I have to be in a better place in life. To be able to find that better place, I will have to make sacrifices in my life. Ones that I may be totally unaware of at this point. But something has to change, probably several things. Or there is no reason to keep moving on except to exist, and simply existing isn't a good life.
The first change in my life, I think, is to accept that I will be alone for the foreseeable future. To understand that I am going to continue in this life alone, even with all my friends and family around me. At least until I reach a position where I am able to provide more effectively for myself. Perhaps then I will be able to enjoy the opportunity to share my life with a woman again in a mutually satisfying and uplifting manner. But first, I need ot stop looking for that, and find myself some way with my abilities and skill sets, to begin moving in that direction. To do otherwise, would simply be setting myself, and any woman who I become involved with, up for failure. With God's help, I will begin to walk down that straight and narrow path, and rebuild my life into something more desirable a way of living that is worthy of sharing with someone I care for.
So I have to change myself, and how I live my life. To be worthy again some day of having someone to share this life with. It is going to take a lot of thought and effort, and I hope it is something I can accomplish in time.